1. No more fumbles, weird “I don’t even know what you like” first-time sex. That’s not to say that boyfriend sex is fool-proof but your odds of having someone accidentally pull your hair because their stupid elbow was on it go down by a lot.
2. He can not reply to your text and you won’t go into a panic attack shame spiral wondering if he’s ghosting. You can say “he’s probably just busy” and know for a fact that yes, that is why. It’s like having an oxygen tank at all times.
3. You always have someone to zip up the back of your dress so you don’t have to do that weird acrobatic arm thing. Even if it is probably good for your deltoids or something. It still blows.
4. You always have someone to split food with for those days when you feel like ordering like a monster but then remember you have a normal human stomach. And then on days when you somehow have a superhuman stomach…
5. You have twice the food always. Oh what’s that? You’re not hungry? Guess who is? It’s me!
6. No more Tinder dates to run screaming from while wearing shoes that are really hard to run in. Plus, no after-work drink dates means you can actually get through the work week without a hangover from hell. Hello, productivity and a general lack of nausea.